Getting married is like moving to a foreign country

"Getting married is like moving to a foreign country," said a Tajik friend of mine, as three of us were having a conversation about marriages and mothers-in-law. "At first you must learn the different laws of the new place." My mind raced ahead to add more facets to the comparison: you must not only figure out the unspoken laws and customs, but where power lies and what people believe; what their prejudices are and what is most important to them. You must live a new reality of the details of day-to-day life, and not waste time missing those you used to live with. The first weeks of a new bride here are like my few months have been: full of a sense that you are missing some things, unsure when you will be embarrassed by revealing this lack, not understanding why the assumptions you had at home are not working, always listening and always learning.

In one moment I thought "Yes!" and then in the next I stopped - this simile does not include me.

I am not marrying Tajikistan. I am, if you will, dating: falling in love a bit, enjoying my time now in the present, playing and laughing, but not promising to be together in sickness and in health until death do us part. It is the beginning, still, of a relationship: I am eager to make a good impression, and so I listen more than I talk and sometimes hold my tongue when I do not want to risk alienating someone.  

Of course, while dating, every so often your mind drifts and you find yourself imagining what life would be like if you did stay together for many years. What would be the things that I could not compromise on? What would be the tension points in our relationship? My friend posed this question to me when I mentioned the idea that perhaps there would be things I would do differently if I were to stay forever instead of only ten months. I have continued to mull over the question.

Mostly I stay in the present, though. There is a special frenetic energy to a relationship when there is a clear end date. That is the frenzy of summer romances. Here, my time will end as summer starts, and my encroaching leaving date makes me frantic to squeeze everything I can out of every last moment we have together before it's too late.